


On The Buses' - The Stan Who Was Awoke

by Classicsitcom



Category: On the Buses (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:54:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25556179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Classicsitcom/pseuds/Classicsitcom
Summary: Chirpy bus driver Stan Butler has an accident at work and finds himself in a mysterious future world - has he travelled in time, is he in a coma, has he died ? Based on the popular 1970s sitcom with attitudes and language prevalent to that era ... and this era too strangely enough !





	On The Buses' - The Stan Who Was Awoke

At Luxton Bus Company garage, the 1st of February, 1970 was a day like any other but for bus driver Stan Butler it would prove to be anything but ordinary ...  
"Cor blimey, Stan, look at that !" Said Stan's best mate, Jack Harper, as they crossed the concourse together.  
"Oh yes, very nice." Said Stan eyeing up the object of Jack's attention - a leggy blonde clippy young enough to be his daughter. She waved and smiled affectionately as did all the young clippies who attracted the attention of the lecherous old pair.  
"Oh, heads up mate," warned Jack "Here comes Hitler !"  
"What are you two up to ?" Demanded Inspector Blake "Keep your hands off them clippies."  
"Our hands weren't on them, Blakey." Said Stan.  
"Yeh, no such luck !" Leered his toothy friend.  
"Morons." Snapped Blakey "Isn't it time you got your bus out ? Butler, where's your cap ?"  
"Eh ?" Said Stan putting his hand up to his bare head "I must have left it in the lav. I'll be right back."  
"Watch out mate !" Shouted Jack as Stan walked straight out in to the path of a double decker.  
"Aargh !" Said Stan - unsurprisingly - as the bonnet of the bus knocked him off his feet.  
"He stepped out right in front of me !" Protested Chalkie from the cab...

"Stan mate, are you all right ?" Jack's voice seemed to come from a long way away.  
"He's opening his eyes." Said an equally distant sounding Blakey.  
Slowly, Stan opened his eyes and took in the scene around him - he was still in the Luxton bus garage but it was a Luxton bus garage changed out of all recognition - the paintwork, the lay out, the fittings, everything was different and the buses ... well, the buses were amazing, modern, almost space age to Stan's eyes - gleaming white and blue, streamlined and futuristically engineered. Around Stan were a crowd of concerned faces including Blakey, Jack and Chalkie - but they were different too in their modern casual but ultra smart uniforms - Stan was confused, he had no idea what had happened so his first words should have come as no surprise to anyone ...  
"What happened ?"  
"You got knocked over by a bus mate." Said Jack "Are you all right ?"  
"Well, I think so," said Stan "But how come everything's changed ?"  
"Changed ?" Said Blakey "What do you mean changed ?"  
"Well..." Started Stan but stopped himself realising that honesty might not be the best policy "Oh, nothing, just a bit groggy, that's all. I'll be fine."  
"Do you want the rest of the day off, Stan ?" Said Blakey.  
"That's probably for the best, Cyril." Said Jack "Do you want to go home and stay off till you feel better ?"  
Stan suspected mockery - "What are you up to ?" He asked.  
"Jack and I are just concerned about your welfare, Stan, you've had a nasty fall." Said Blakey.  
"What's all this Jack, Stan and Cyril stuff ?" Asked Stan "Are we all on first name terms all of a sudden ?"  
"Of course we are, why wouldn't we be ?" Said Blakey gently.  
"Do you want to sue the company ?" Asked Jack "Cyril and I will get the forms."  
"No, I don't want to sue the company." Said Stan "I just want to get my bus out... Blimey, hark at me, eh ?"  
Jack and Blakey looked at him without comment.  
"Me wanting to get my bus out, eh ? Aren't you going to say anything Blakey ?"  
"No," said Blakey "If you want to get your bus out, that's fine. If you don't want to get it out then maybe there's some underlying issue. Would you like to discuss it ?"  
"No." Said Stan turning round and noticing a bright rainbow coloured bus behind him "Blimey, that's a fancy bus, isn't it ? Look at that, painted like a rainbow."  
"Yes," said Blakey "We're very happy with that paintwork, that bus will be leading the Luxton Pride Parade"  
"Luxton Pride Parade ?"  
"That's right," said Jack "Celebrating diversity, tolerance, equality and inclusiveness in Luxton."  
"I'm not sure what half of those words even mean mate," said Stan "But good luck all the same."  
"It will be driven by Henry - Luxton's gayest driver." Said Blakey with some emotion.  
"Gayest ?" Said Stan "Cheerful kind of bloke is he ?"  
"Quite the reverse actually mate. He's a miserable, annoying git !" Said Jack with an edge to his voice that he quickly eliminated "But our gayest driver all the same."  
"Hello there." Said a driver mincing across the concourse and shouting in a high pitched attention seeking tone of voice "Cyril, my love, just to let you know, I've got an appointment with the hairdresser to get my highlights redone - he could only just squeeze me in - if you know what I mean !" He laughed camply "Can I have the afternoon off to get it done ? I want to look my best when I'm driving the rainbow bus, don't I ?"  
"Of course you do Henry," said Blakey "You take as much time off as you like."  
"Blimey !" Said Stan "Is that what 'gay' means then ? He's a poof !"  
"Stan !" Exploded Blakey.  
"How dare you !" Shouted Henry, his voice becoming hysterical as he pulled a series of well rehearsed shocked facial expressions "The term is LGBT actually !"  
"LGBLT ?" Said Stan "What the heck's that ? It sounds like a sandwich !"  
"I have never heard such a lack of diversity, tolerance, equality and inclusiveness !" Said Jack loudly so that no-one would be in any doubt as to his outrage.  
"I tolerate you Butler ! I tolerate you !" Said Blakey his face turning red with anger.  
Jack grabbed Stan's arm and pulled him away from Blakey and Henry - "What are you playing at mate ?" He hissed "You can't talk like that ! This isn't the 1970s you know !"  
"Isn't it ?" Said Stan in astonishment.  
"You know full well it's not," said Jack "It's 2020."  
Stan was stunned -  
"2020 ? Is it really ?"  
"Of course it is." Said Jack "What's the matter with you ? Did you bump your head ?"  
"Yes," said Stan "Yes, I did - I thought for a minute it was 1970. Help me out here mate."  
"Now listen," continued Jack "Just do what the rest of us have to do and 'tolerate' their 'diversity' - you know, pretend they're normal, pretend you're not disgusted by them."  
Stan looked blank - he was still coming to terms with what Jack had said about the year -  
"Stan is very sorry about that, Henry." Said Jack "He's just had a bump on the head, he can't apologise enough."  
"I should think so too !" Said Henry, his voice rising to a high pitched effeminate frenzy "Cyril, I'm so shocked by this display of non tolerance that I'll need the rest of the week off to recover."  
"Of course you will, Henry." Said Blakey "Would you like to sue the company ? Shall I arrange counselling ?"  
"No duckie," said Henry "I'll just take the time off - top up my suntan a bit - I'll be back in time for the Pride Parade." He minced away.  
"Right Stan," said Blakey "You leave me no choice - you'll have to attend a diversity awareness class this afternoon."  
"A what ?" Said Stan.  
"Brainwashing !" Whispered Jack "Just agree with everything they say, tell them you like Elton John and 'Dancing on Ice' - you'll be fine."  
As far as Stan was concerned, the afternoon was a complete waste of time and he headed off home in time for his tea. Unsurprisingly, in this day of surprises, he found his home completely different too - full of gadgets that he didn't understand - but he kept himself to himself. Mum was in and he had to ask her how to put the television on -  
"Use the remote." She said pointing at an object on the table.  
"Oh yes, of course." Said Stan "The remote..."  
After a few tries he managed to get the television to switch on and watched the six o'clock news then realised that there were a hundred other channels to choose from. It was all he could do to pull himself away from it for his tea.  
"Where are Arthur and Olive ?" He asked.  
"Don't call him that !" Said Mum.  
"Call who what ?" Said Stan.  
"Arthur's husband." Said Mum "His names Oliver as you know full well."  
"Arthur's husband !" Shouted Stan in incredulity "What are you talking about - Arthur's a bloke, he can't have a husband !"  
"Stan !" Said Mum furiously "I will not tolerate this lack of diversity, tolerance, equality and inclusiveness !"  
"But ..." Said Stan and decided to go no further. Something had happened this morning, something strange. Stan had been hit by that bus ... then what happened. Had he really travelled in time to 2020 ? Had he died ? Was he in a coma and imagining all this ? "Anyway," said Mum "They're at the fertility clinic to find out why they can't have children."  
"Why they can't have children ?" Said Stan "If they're both blokes, they can't have children in a million blooming years, can they ! Can they ?"  
"When they find the right surrogate they will." Said Mum "They're hoping to buy a couple of little boys and then I'll be a granny and you'll be an uncle."  
"Two men can buy little boys ?" Asked Stan "But that's ..."  
"That's what ?" Asked Mum.  
"Nothing, I suppose." Said Stan "I think I'll have an early night."  
At that moment the living room door opened and Arthur walked in - the same old Arthur, with his bald head and his permanently pained expression due to his 'operation' and behind him ... someone who looked like Olive - unattractive, frumpy, overweight and wearing unflattering glasses - except that he was male.  
"Blimey !" Said Stan "Goodnight you two, I'm for an early night , bye."

Next morning Stan woke up - it had all been a dream surely, a nightmare in fact ... but no it hadn't, he was in his own bedroom but it was different, more modern and utterly alien to Stan - just like the whole world that he now seemed to inhabit. After breakfast with Mum, Arthur and Oliver, Stan headed off to work with Jack.  
"How was the diversity awareness class mate ?" asked his toothy best friend.  
"A total waste of time, that's what it was." Said Stan "Some idiot trying to convince us that poofs were normal."  
"Careful Stan," warned Jack "That kind of talk could get you in to a lot of trouble."  
As they strode in to the bus garage Jack muttered to Stan in a conspiratorial tone - "I don't think you'll have any more problems with Henry by the way."  
"Why not ?" Asked Stan.  
"Heads up mate, here comes Churchill." Said Jack.  
"Churchill ?" Said Stan in amazement "Don't you mean ... oh, never mind."  
"Good morning Stan." Said Blakey "I hope your diversity awareness class was beneficial."  
"Oh yes, er, Cyril." Said Stan.  
"As it happens, Henry has had to leave us for a short time, he's suffering from stress and is getting a course of counselling."  
"Stress is it ?" Said Jack "There's a rumour going about that he was arrested flashing at little boys outside a primary school. Probably not true I suppose ?"  
"I can't comment on that, Jack." Said Blakey "The situation is a bit confused. Henry's been released on bail and the police officers have been sent to a diversity awareness class."  
"I bet they have !" Said Stan with some relief at the situation "Now can I get a bus out today ?"  
"Of course you can." Said Blakey "Don't forget to fill out our new Diversity Survey forms though."  
"Diversity what ?" Said Stan.  
"These forms here." Said Jack, handing over a pile of paperwork "You have to fill in details about the sexual preferences of the passengers."  
"Do what ?"  
"Don't worry, mate, you just put that 25% of your passengers were gay boys, 25% were lezzers, 25% were straight and 25% were 'dont knows' - that's what we all do."  
Blakey grimaced - "Watch your language, Jack," he warned "Maybe you'd like to go on a diversity awareness course as well ?"  
"No thanks, Cyril, I'm sorry." Said Jack immediately cowed by the threat.  
"I should think so too." Said Blakey "Now Stan, I'd like you to meet your new clippy. This is Shamina." He said pointing to a pretty young woman in a hijab.  
"Pleased to meet you, love." Said Stan holding out his hand for a few seconds until it was obvious that Shamina wasn't going to shake it. "Well, pleased to meet you anyway." Said Stan awkwardly.  
"Shamina has just arrived in Britain," said Blakey "and she's very keen to work as a clippy."  
"That's fine," said Stan "Shamina - that's a nice name ... just a minute! Blimey, Blakey - that's Shamina Begum ! I saw her on the telly last night. She's that Islamic State bride that they're talking about ! The Black Widow ! The news said she was coming back to Britain from Syria ! What's she doing here ? She's bleeding deadly !"  
"Now watch it Stan," said Blakey "Shamina has made a few mistakes in her life but now she wants to repay her debt to society, don't you Shamina ?"  
"Yes I do." Said Shamina quietly "I want to be a clippy."  
"You must be joking !" Said Stan "She'll be a clippy in my bus over my dead body ! Literally probably ! Jack, tell him !"  
"Stan," said Jack "I'm disappointed, I've never heard such racist xenophobia and Little England type intolerance in my life."  
"You're joking, mate, surely !" Said Stan "Don't talk to me about racism, remember I tried to date that Indian bird once."  
"Indian bird ?" Said Jack.  
"Remember, you put her snake in my laundry bag !"  
"That was years ago !"  
"No it wasn't it was just last ..." Said Stan "I mean, anyway, no, I'm not having this."  
Shamina began to sob quietly.  
"You've upset her now." Said Blakey "I tolerate you Butler, I tolerate you !"  
"I didn't mean to upset anyone," said Stan "but, I mean, cor blimey, she'll slit the passengers throats as soon as ask them for their fares !"  
"Don't cry." Said Jack to Shamina.  
"He will live to regret his words." Said Shamina softly but threateningly.  
"I hope I do," said Stan "but I won't with you around, blimey, she'll blow us all sky high !"  
"That's enough of that !" Snapped Blakey "Shamina, we'll find you another driver. Stan, you will attend a racial diversity awareness class this afternoon. Until then you are suspended from duty."  
Blakey led Shamina away while Jack looked at Stan in disbelief.  
"You're talking yourself out of your job here mate !" He said "Now listen, do this racial awareness class and tell them that you like watching Lenny Henry and think Nelson Mandela was a great guy, you'll be fine."  
As far as Stan was concerned the afternoon was a complete waste of time and he headed off to a pub for a few pints - he noticed that all the customers in the pub were men but it never occurred to him why.  
At home, Stan found Mum busy with a pile of paperwork -  
"What's all this ?" He asked.  
"I'm helping to organise a community centre for lesbians." Said Mum to Stan's astonishment.  
"Why are you doing that ?" He asked.  
"Because I'm a lesbian !" She answered.  
"No you're not, Mum." Said Stan "A lesbian's a woman that, you know, fancies other women."  
"I know."  
"Mum, you've spent most of your adult life married to a bloke, you've had two children. You're not a lesbian."  
"Stan !" Said Mum in a shocked tone "I will not tolerate this homophobic, non inclusive and intolerant language !"  
Stan felt like he'd heard all this before and gave up - "All right, Mum, if you like."  
After tea, he decided to have another early night.

Next morning, Stan arrived at the bus station to find Jack and Blakey waiting for him with some news -  
"Our new clippy, Miss Begum will not be coming in to work today." Said Blakey to all the staff "She's taking some time off suffering from stress and is recieving counselling."  
"Cor blimey," said Stan "I didn't mean to upset the girl. I was just scared of her because of what they said on the telly. I hope she's ok."  
"Haven't you heard about it mate ?" Whispered Jack "It was in the news last night."  
"I never saw the news," said Stan "I went straight to bed. What's happened."  
"Shamina waited till her driver went for a pee. She jumped in to the driver's seat and drove straight in to a bus queue shouting 'Allah akhbar'. Killed half a dozen people. She didn't want to be a clippy, it was all a plot by Islamic state !"  
"Cor blimey !" Said Stan "I told you, didn't I ?"  
"Now watch it, Stan." Said Blakey "It was a tragic accident, that's all, don't twist the facts in a racist, xenophobic, non inclusive and intolerant way. That kind of point of view is an insult to the families of the unfortunate victims. Didn't you learn anything at the racism awareness class ?"  
"Yes," said Stan "I learned that Lenny Henry is very funny and Nelson ...er..."  
"Mandela." Hissed Jack.  
"Mandela, yes, Nelson Mandela was a great guy."  
"I should think so too." Said Blakey "As a response to the incident, we're introducing these new racial diversity survey forms." He handed out sheets of paper to all the drivers.  
"Don't worry about them, mate." Said Jack "Just put 25% white, 25% black, 25% 'don't know" and 25% want prayer mats on the seats and the bus pointed towards Mecca."  
"More daft paperwork, eh ?" Said Stan to an attractive blonde clippy beside him.  
"Yes, I know." She said.  
"My name's Stan, by the way."  
"Please to meet you, Stan." Said the clippy "My name's Trisha."  
"Now, I have a special announcement to make." Said Blakey "So listen carefully."  
"Better pay attention, love." Said Stan to Trisha "This might be the day that Cyril says something interesting - it was bound to happen some time !"  
Trisha giggled cutely.  
"Right !" Said Blakey "Luxton Bus Company is failing in its gender balance figures..."  
Stan looked at Jack quizzically but Jack held his hand up a little as a warning not to speak.  
"We need to achieve a 50/50 gender balance of male and female drivers and male and female clippies so all female clippies will be put on driving duty as of today."  
"I don't want to be a driver !" Said one clippy.  
"Me neither." Said another.  
"I don't have the right kind of licence." Said Trisha.  
"I appreciate that," said Blakey "but we must achieve a more acceptable gender balance."  
"Why should we ?" Asked Stan.  
"Because it's the law, that's why." Said Blakey.  
"The law ?" Said Stan "But if these women can't drive buses, if they don't have the right licences, it'll be a disaster."  
"What's it got to do with you ?" Demanded a clippy - the one who had said she didn't want to be a driver.  
"Yes, it's none of your business, you chauvinistic throwback !" Said another clippy - the one who had been the second to say she didn't want to drive a bus.  
"I've never heard such gender specific, non inclusive, intolerant and undiverse comments." Said Trisha turning her back on Stan.  
"But it was you who said ..." Began Stan then gave up.  
"I should point out that the category of 'women' includes those who were not born female but identify as that gender." Said Blakey.  
"Women that weren't born female ?" Said Stan to Jack "What does he mean by that. A woman's a woman, isn't she ?"  
"Well, Trisha isn't." Said Stan "And you seemed to be getting on ok with her ... for a few minutes."  
Stan looked at Trisha in amazement - "You mean that she's ..." He whispered "She's not... I mean, she's a fella ?"  
"Post op transgender." Said Jack.  
Stan didn't understand the words but he got the point - "Blimey," he said "They've come a long way since Danny LaRue !"  
"Right Stan," said Blakey "In view of the comments you've just made I have no choice but to put you down for a gender equality awareness class this afternoon. I tolerate you Butler, I tolerate you !"  
"Oh come on Blakey ... I mean, Cyril !" Said Stan.  
"Here," said Blakey handing over some paperwork "The course is from 2pm till 5pm so don't be late."  
Blakey walked away and Stan stood looking at the paperwork. Jack - who had been away for a moment speaking to the other staff - returned...  
"You're right in it now mate !" He said.  
"What have I done now ?" Asked Stan "It can't be anything to do with that nonsense, can it ?"  
"Yes it is, actually."  
"But Jack," said Stan "If those women don't want to drive buses, don't know how to drive them, haven't got proper licences ... well, I mean, they could kill somebody. What's more important ? The lives of passengers or this 'gender balance' malarkey ?"  
"The gender balance malarkey, of course." Said Jack "That is the official view of management and the union." He looked round then added in a hushed voice - "Stan, you're already in a hole so stop digging, ok ? I'm under pressure from the staff to have you summarily dismissed for holding gender intolerant, sexist neanderthal opinions."  
"I'm not a sexist ... whatever it was you just said." Insisted Stan "What can I do ?"  
"Exactly what I tell you." Said Jack "Now stand absolutely still."  
Stan was motionless as Jack bent down and undid the lacing of his right shoe.  
"What you doing that for ?" Asked Stan.  
"Your shoelace is undone, Stan." Said Jack.  
"I know it is, you just undid it."  
"Well, you'd better tie it up, hadn't you ?"  
Stan crouched down on one knee and began tying his shoelace and suddenly a huge roaring cheer filled the bus station. Stan looked round to see what was the cause of it ... and immediately realised that HE was the cause of it.  
Jack and everyone else in the bus station knelt down on one knee, raised a fist in the air and began chanting "Black lives matter ! Black lives matter ! Black lives matter ! ..." over and over again. Stan raised his fist in the air as well - after all, he had finished tying the shoelace.  
Blakey rushed out of his office to find his entire staff ignoring their work, delaying the service, inconveniencing the passengers, 'taking the knee' and shouting political statements at the tops of their voices. Blakey reacted immediately ... by joining in.  
After a few minutes, everyone returned to their feet and crowded round Stan, shaking his hand and patting him on the back - "Well done mate !" said Chalkie, pumping Stan's hand up and down with tears in his eyes "You're a legend Stan, a legend."  
The first clippy from earlier kissed Stan on the cheek, the second clippy hugged him and Trisha gave him a big thumbs up before sashaying away sexily.  
"What was that all about ?" Asked Stan.  
"Saving your neck, mate." Said Jack "By showing your support for 'Black Lives Matter' and all that."  
"Well," said Stan "That's reasonable enough, isn't it ? All lives matter don't they ?"  
Jack slapped his hand over Stan's mouth - "Don't say that, mate, do you want to go on another racism awareness class ?"  
"But all I said was..." The rest of the sentence was muffled again by Jack's hand.  
"Just get along to your gender awareness class," said Jack "Just say that you really admire Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton and you'll be fine."  
"Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton ?" Said Stan "What do they do ?"  
"A very good question, mate. A very good question."  
The gender awareness class was a complete waste of time and Stan was glad to get home. Tea was late again as Mum was helping a campaign to build a new mosque - Stan didn't have the energy to argue when she claimed that she was a Muslim and always had been. He spent a couple of hours watching TV and pretending that he wasn't disgusted by Arthur and Oliver before heading for bed.

At work next morning Stan wasn't in the least bit surprised to find that he had to fill in another pointless passenger survey - this time on gender - 

Was the passenger - 

1- Male  
2- Female  
3- Male but born female  
4- Female but born male,  
5- Don't know  
6- Preferred not to say !  
7- None of the above  
8- Another ( please specify )

"I will fill these in most diligently." Promised Stan "If I manage to get a flaming bus out today !"  
"It's your own fault that you haven't been getting a bus out all week, Stan." Said Blakey "I hope you learned something from your gender awareness class."  
"Oh yes, Cyril," said Stan sarcastically "Aren't Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton great."  
"Gather round everyone," said Blakey "I have an announcement about the company's campaign for gender balance which has been temporarily suspended."  
"Is it because Trisha mixed up the accelerator and the brake and drove in to the perfumery department of Grace Brothers ?"  
"I can't name any names," floundered Blakey "but a member of staff suffered an injury yesterday and is now recieving counselling."  
"Is she ok ?" Said Stan to Jack.  
"Yes, she's fine - she's a tough girl. Used to play centre forward for the Luxton Rovers Reserves !"  
"Also," continued Blakey "As of today the canteen will be serving an entirely vegan menu."  
"Vegan ?" Said Stan "What's that ?"  
"Don't you know what vegan food is Stan ?" Asked Jack.  
"Of course not," said Stan "I've never been to Vega - where is it anyway and what do vegans eat ?"  
"They eat healthy, delicious, cruelty free food." Said Blakey "Made from vegetables, pulses and fruit."  
"But we're working men," said Stan "And women obviously and ... well, you know, Trisha and that ... and we need proper food, we need real grub !"  
"If by that you mean 'meat' Stan," said Blakey "You do not need that at all. All the vitamins and protein that you need can be derived from a vegan diet. Now I have here vouchers for a free meal - one for everyone, valid in the canteen until this afternoon."  
Everyone took their vouchers enthusiastically except for Stan who held out his hand and said, with some reluctance - "Well, go on, give it here."  
"Oh no, Stan." Said Blakey "I anticipated your reaction and I have something special just for you."  
"That's very nice of you Blakey, er I mean Cyril, what is it ?"  
"I'm sending you on a vegan awareness class - it starts this afternoon at 1pm. Enjoy yourself ! Ha ha - I tolerate you Butler, I tolerate you !"  
Surprisingly - and in contrast to his previous experiences Stan found the vegan awareness class a great success - the vegan food was great, he learned a few simple recipes and got a diet plan to get himself fitter and healthier. Stan positively bounced around the aisles of the supermarket before heading home.  
At home, Mum was busy filling in forms as usual...  
"What you doing tonight Mum ?" Said Stan looking over her shoulder "Oh I see, tonight you're black, African and Caribbean are you ? Very good. Anyway, you sit there and I'll make the tea."  
"You make the tea ?" Said Oliver in surprise.  
"That'll be the day !" Said Arthur with utter disdain.  
"Yes I will," said Stan, holding up his carrier bag "How does lentil falafel and leek sauce sound."  
"Oh that will be nice son, thank you." Said Mum.  
Stan slept soundly that night and couldn't wait to get to work the next morning.

At the bus garage Stan found Blakey waiting outside his office -  
"Morning Cyril." He said cheerily.  
"Hello Stan." Said Blakey.  
"You're in a good mood." Said Jack.  
"I certainly am." Said Stan "I'm just going to get some vegan breakfast then get my bus out."  
"I'll join you mate." Said Jack.  
"So will I, if you don't mind." Said Blakey.  
"Vegeburgers all round !" Said Stan as he entered the canteen "Cor blimey, Henry what are you doing here ?"  
"Stonewall took up my case," said Henry "All charges dropped and I'm suing the Luxton police for wrongful arrest."  
"I'm sure you are." Said Stan "Cor blimey ! What are you doing here ?"  
Shamina Begum had just entered the canteen in her clippy uniform.  
"Hello Stan," she said quietly stepping forward and shaking Stan's hand "I've been released on bail while the court decides if my human rights have been breached. I'm suing the government for racial persecution."  
"I can't say I'm surprised." Said Stan "Cor blimey ! What are you doing here ?"  
Trisha hobbled in to the canteen on crutches - and high heels - "Hello Stan," she said "I've been released from hospital - I'm suing the bus company for negligence."  
"Blimey, the lawyers are busy these days aren't they ?"  
Chalkie walked in to the canteen and Stan waved to him - "Hi there Ch... " He stopped himself just in time as he realised that the word he was about to say might not be acceptable in this bizarre modern world - "Hi there mate, do you want a vegeburger ?"  
"Not half Stan." Said Chalkie.  
"Good for you," said Stan putting an arm round his shoulder "Listen mate, I know this is a funny thing to ask but what's your first name - I don't think I've ever known it."  
Chalkie looked at Stan in surprise - "Well, everyone calls me Chalkie but my first name is actually..." he looked round and whispered "Nelson."  
"Nelson ?" Said Stan "The same as Nelson Mandela ? He was a great bloke, wasn't he ? Nelson Mandela was a great bloke... Nelson Mandela was a great bloke ..."

"Nelson Mandela is a great bloke, Mr Butler, you're quite right." Said the pretty West Indian nurse as she looked at the thermometer "How are you feeling now ?"  
Stan looked round in surprise - he was in a hospital bed.  
"What happened ? How did I get here."  
"You were knocked over by a bus." Said the nurse.  
Stan realised that Jack, Blakey and Chalkie were standing at the foot of his bed.  
"Hello you lot." He said.  
"Feeling better mate ?" Asked Jack.  
The nurse replaced the thermometer in its holder above the bed and Stan reached out and took a gentle hold of her wrist -  
"Black lives matter." He said.  
The nurse looked puzzled - "All lives matter to me," she said "I'm a nurse."  
"Yes, of course but ..."  
The nurse smiled patiently looking at Stan with her big brown kind eyes.  
"I just want to apologize for the way we've exploited you and your people over the years. Where are you from ?"  
"I'm from Brixton." Said the nurse "And if anyone tries to exploit me I'll soon show them where to get off !"  
She eased her wrist away from Stan's hand and moved along the ward to attend to another patient.  
"Are you sure you're all right mate ?" Asked Jack.  
"Of course he's all right !" Said Blakey "You listen to me Butler, stop malingering and get back to work and don't you even think of trying to sue the company - that accident was all your own fault. You weren't looking where you were going."  
"That's true Stan, it wasn't my fault !" Said Chalkie.  
"Just a minute," said Blakey "What are you doing here Chalkie, you're supposed to be getting your bus out !"  
"Now hold it Blakey," said Jack "Chalkie came to visit Stan on compassionate grounds, it's all in the union rule book, section 2, sub section 4. You start all that heavy handed stuff and I'll call a strike, is that what you want ?"  
"Don't you threaten me Harper !" Said Blakey.  
Stan lay back on his bed - it looked like everything was back to normal.


End file.
